Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Winter Toboggan Tobloggin'

by Alexander Lee

Alright, folks!  We denizens of the balmy Confederate capital can finally shut up about the long-ago winters when it used to get cold, ponds used to freeze, and snowstorms were a regular occurrence.  Winter is well under way here, and yes, it's been good so far.  Build a fort, have a snowball fight, make a snow angel!  Go ice skating!  No, seriously, has anyone noticed Richmond has an outdoor ice skating rink this year?

Richmond's First Outdoor Ice Rink a Big Hit

Whatever you decide to do, remember there's no shame in displaying a little childish excitement and wonder at a good December snowstorm.  It may be just what you need to prepare for the more depressing days of late January and dreadful February.

So, as the eastern United States emerges from what the New York Times is calling the "Holiday Blizzard of 2010," I leave you with this inspiring, Great Depression-esque photograph of orphaned puppies beautiful white snowballs waiting to be adopted.  I came upon this arsenal of ice some time back, in the heart of Times Square.  With the only other snow on the streets a gray, grimy slush mixed with trash and car exhaust, the $5.00 price tag on these wintry weapons almost seemed justified. 


 New York City, circa 2005
SNOWBALLS
$5.00 each

Monday, December 13, 2010

Naranja-Bleu Ink1, Chapter One

By Ficcus Perdo

“Good morning R-Town! It's 10:45 and you are listening to Billy 'on the run with fun' Maddox on your station with the get up and go, Boomin 97.FM!"

As the radio blared its every day talk, Nathaniel continued counting reps. Today's goal was four sets of thirty. Having the doctor tell him he needed more exercise, and the fact that he had received an in-home/portable gym had him motivated.

After a quick shower and breakfast he took a bit of time to read the headlines of the paper. Accompanying him was his beloved Welsh Corgi, Maximillius. His eyes found the lottery numbers that he never played the day before. Softly and with much resentment he whispered, “Max, you where right. Again. Get off of me, I'm mad at you!” The dog cocked his head to the side and barked sharply. “You know I love you silly butt! Wanna go potty!?”

Slightly open blinds let him see that the trash man had come for collection, and the waste management teams had chucked the recycling bin onto the sidewalk. He looked back into the kitchen at the never-ending pile he had started in waiting for the bin's return. In house-shoes and robe, he and Max swiftly ran downstairs and outside. After a few trips around the block, they returned home and grabbed the bin. Nathaniel paused, and Maximillius barked.

Slowly lifting his eyes to view the other side of the street, he was immediately struck by the fact that his ex-girlfriend's car was parked directly in front of a house. “No!” He looked at the townhouse that had been for sale. The sign was gone. “No!” There was a large moving van a few doors down. It was being unloaded. “No!” Without another thought he quickly lifted Max into his arms, dropped the bin and ran inside, slamming the door shut. He sat at the kitchen table with his hands covering his face. “She wouldn't do this to me...” He looked deep into the eyes of his dog. “She's done this to me!” Max sighed.

The fact is, she had. Nathaniel and Brooke never really became friends after the breakup, keeping their relationship to internet based conversations and odd run-ins. The two had been outwardly calm about the whole thing. Three years, five months and some odd days had been locked in the back of the brain box. Or so he had thought.

Minutes seemed like hours. Then, that hour passed. Doug called.

“Hello.” Nathaniel sounded pathetic.

“You sound pathetic man. This is your 'you are late as always call.'” Doug sounded as Doug always sounded. Frustrated. “Get your butt in gear and get down here. C'mon man, we gotta stick to the plan.”

"The plan," Nathaniel replied. "That's right. I need to stop at the mart and get..."

“Hey slow down bro," Doug interrupted. "You don't need to stop at the mart. I already got coffee and crap. Hurry up though. Angie gets home from night shift soon, and you know she's gonna be all zombied out. Bye.”

Reality set back in. Nathaniel forgot about Brooke's block invasion and dressed. He grabbed his computer and voice recorder, flung them all into a bag and headed to the car. The air had, surprisingly, warmed up a bit. He cranked open the Golf's sunroof and mashed in the clutch to start the car, reversing slowly into the street before heading off to Doug's.

More to come
Stay tuned.....

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Tea-Bagging the Tea Party

by GR3G0R

Listen. I'm in. I'm totally in. We need to roll things backwards. We've moved beyond our original vision as a nation. It's time to take things back to the Constitution. But you can't half-ass that shit. Here's the plan:

As I see it, Thomas Jefferson was the first to take the powers of The Constitution off the rails. Even though the guy was a strict-Constitutionalist and a firm believer in state's rights over the Fed, he bought our nation a huge piece of land west of the Mississippi River from France. And at a cheap as hell rate, too.

Well, that shit has to go back.

Let's face it, Jefferson extended his grasp beyond the reach of The Constitution. He purchased land when he didn't have the power to do so. I see this as the start of the Liberal Movement in America. It's the start of the Hamiltonian United States that we live in today, and we've got to get back to basics by returning that purchase for the price we paid for it. That means we'll have $217 million dollars to throw at our national debt (a drop in an ocean, but more on this in a moment), and a few issues to resolve creatively.

First, as an extension of this "back to the Constitution" plan, all lands that were gained by piggy-backing on the Louisiana Purchase will be forfeited as well. Essentially, the western-most states of our nation will be Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Ohio. I've included a map below for the geographically-challenged among you.


As for the former Americans who now reside in these areas, well, they will either be French citizens, Indians, Spanish, or Russians respectively.  That means that the government of the United States no longer has any authority over them, nor any responsibility to pave their roads, bolster their school budgets, secure their borders, pay for their Social Security or Medicare, or anything of the sort.  Imagine all the surplus money!!  Well, that money would immediately go into the National Debt.  Problem solved...and then some.  

Once that's done, then we go after each and every outstanding debt owed to us that are still left as Americans.  Student loans would need to be repaid immediately or we would seek them from the government overseeing those who owed us.  Outstanding taxes would be the same.  After we get the currency, then it's Repo Time!  Cop cars, fire trucks, hospital equipment, school libraries and lunches, interstate highways, communication systems, ambulances, and anything else that was purchased by localities with federal funding would be brought back east or sold to those localities.  

So, what would happen to the people of those localities, you ask?  Who gives a shit!?!  They're not Americans anymore.  Fuck 'em.

As I see it, this is only step one in a long process to take us back to the horse-and-buggy era of our once great nation.  There is plenty still to do.  For instance, we've got to dissolve our own fire and police departments because they are essentially socialist systems of protection which rely on federal funding.  Our socialist education system would, of course, be next.  Nothing in the Constitution outlines the power of the Federal government to oversee and fund these things.  

We've got to kick the rascals out of our lives!  Neither rationality nor reason should stop us!  Don't let them help your kid go to college!  Don't let them tell you that you need a smoke detector in your house!  Don't let them tell your kid he can't drink rotten milk and french fries for lunch everyday!  

Something has to be done, and going pre-Jefferson on their asses will send a serious fucking message!  

Revoke the Louisiana Purchase!!!!