by Alexander Lee
The writer recently had the misfortune of making himself watch Paranormal Activity. Although this was preventable, the movie proved unstoppable 23 seconds into the opening credits, and the writer is now forced to bestow his impressions upon the reader if he wishes to live past 40. The chain e-mail predicting the author's death is for another post.
First, it must be understood that the qualifications for American horror cinema in the 2000's are listed as follows: "Japanese horror is freaky! Let's do that in Hollywood!". If you're a savvy Hollywood investor who understands the nature of the cleverly insulated American consumer, J-Horror is the way to go. Especially around Halloween, America's collective National Masquerade Party.
Unfortunately, if you're a minimally-educated theater-goer who at least managed to see The Ring, or maybe Blair Witch Project, don't expect artistic continuity or improvement upon this genre's long-forgotten standard of quality. What Paranormal Activity is is a Japanese-style horror porn with a cheeseburger and milkshake American twist. The implication that some kind of "paranormal activity" is taking place in a sunny, Southern California house--likely built by Ryan Homes or just about any other suburban developer--seems to imply that the film makers are keeping their fingers crossed that their audience has never seen a soap opera, porn, or any other Southern California drama. In fact, I'm certain I've seen the set of this spooky failure used in one of my favorite adult films, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was used for the popular Big Brother "Reality Show."
This insult to the senses wears on the viewer as dozens of minutes go by with very little action, whiny arguments between the desperate souls being paid to appear on camera, and continuous but unimaginative changes in lighting schemes.
Like a poorly designed carnival ride, Paranormal Activity leaves the viewer let down, hungry, and maybe a little nauseous--not from fright or startling gravitational forces, but from mental dehydration.
